A Letter to a New Loss Momma

Dear New Loss Momma,

I’d like to share a bit of my heart with you from one loss momma to another. Many people will mean well but no one truly knows the pain of losing a child like another mother who has lost one too…

Four years ago on this day our lives were changed inexplicably forever. What happened that morning would alter everything we ever thought we knew or felt or believed about the world for all times. Our first son was born silently into a room full of tear stained cheeks and solemn faced doctors and nurses.  A son that we hoped and prayed for for years prior to his conception. A son that we anxiously awaited his arrival in May of 2014…..not in December of 2013.

There are no analogies to describe the feeling of checking into the hospital pregnant and leaving a week later without your child. No one brings you flowers. No one sends you congratulations cards and teddy bears. No one clamors to visit you when you’re home or bring you meals. No one knows what to do and neither do you.

Motherhood takes on a whole new and confusing meaning now. Do I celebrate Mother’s Day? Am I still a Mother? Am I allowed to talk about memories of my child? If I’ve learned anything over the last four years, it would be that the answer to all those questions is “Yes”…. actually, the answer is “YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”. Embrace your child no matter how much time you had with them. From the time you found out you were pregnant you were a mother, regardless of if that child came home safely with you. Own your motherhood and be proud and cherish it because it is the one thing you have been given that can never ever be taken away from you despite what anyone else may say or think.

They say time heals all wounds but that is only partially true. As the days, weeks, months, and years start to pass you will start to realize that although the wound has not healed you will learn how to navigate your day to day life regardless of the pain and despair you’re feeling now. Sometimes the smallest things will remind you that your wounds have not healed….. the smell of the laundry detergent you used on your maternity clothes, another child with your child’s name, someone else is pregnant with your same due date, the list goes on and on and on and it will continue to go on and on for all time. There will always be triggers out there that will cause these wounds to resurface. Don’t be afraid of letting them, because it’s in these memories that your child lives now. Allow yourself to be sad and miss your child, no matter how many days, weeks, months or years its been since your last moments.

Surround yourself with those who love you and will help you navigate through these days. For me, the biggest relief was finding my local Share Group and attending meetings and being involved with some of their events and activities. Finding other parents who were missing their children as much as I was helped SO much. There is nothing more powerful than someone who will cry WITH you instead of FOR you.

Hopefully these words I’m writing to you can bring you a bit of comfort in this darkest of hours. I’ve been there myself and I know that you will be ok.

Peace Love and Strength to you,

Fellow Loss Momma

 

 

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4 Comments

  1. Oh, mama. I’m so sorry you had to experience this. I am with you when you say YES – it is good to talk about it. It is okay to mourn even years later. I had an early miscarriage and yet it still stings sometimes. I can’t imagine how it must feel. They were very real, especially in our worlds. Thank you for sharing your story.

  2. I to am a mother who has an only – rainbow baby. Our situation was called a blighted ovum. There was no heartbeat…it was heart wrenching. I feel compelled to share my experience, just need time and space to do that. Thank you for sharing your story and being vulnerable enough to have a voice for those who can’t find their own.

  3. I am so sorry for your loss. But you are still his mother. Yes, you will always be his mother. He isn’t gone, he didn’t not exist. Yes, always talk about ALL of your children…here or in heaven.

  4. Always remember and honour those sweet little ones. We have two angel babies and we remember them every year. Celebrating their day.

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